I had a rather interesting weekend full of highs and lows.I decided to go back to Southend, once my home for my first two years in England. I wanted to say goodbye to close girlfriends from my old art college and my x boyfriend who is also from Southend.
Saturday was a lovely afternoon spent with the girls down in Old Leigh at The Peter Boat. It was a sunny day full of laughs and plenty of posing for the cameras. My nerves began to get to me around 5pm when the dinner date I had planned with my x was looming. I knew it was too soon to meet up with him, but he is someone that has been in my life since I was 18 so I wanted to share my news of the impending departure and to say goodbye.
We met at 8pm at Clarence Yard, my favorite bar in Southend. I beamed with a smile when I saw him - he was looking very 'easy on the eye.' Drinks went fine until we moved to The Muse for dinner. I am unsure if it was the famous West Ham player that was sitting behind us that deterred his attention or the tension of sitting across from his x over a candle lit meal but things went south by the main course.
A combination of not being prepared for my true feelings I had for this guy, saying goodbye, being back in Southend and possibly the vodka tonics I had been drinking in the afternoon opened the flood gates and my endless dialogue about how I found certain aspects of the break up difficult. For example, the pictures of him cavorting with girls at V Festival that I was notified about on Facebook through 'mutual friends.' (I loath that site)
I soon made him uncomfortable and it was long before he was texting for help and excusing himself from the table (phone in hand) to 'go to the loo.' When he came back I pulled myself together and said:
'Let's pay and go down stairs for a drink. I don't want to leave it like this.'
'No Rox, I am driving.'
'Well you don't have to drink...'
'I said I would be a G's - we are going to watch Match of the Day. I am late as it is.'
Yep, that's right, my evening was cut short for football. The bill was paid and he marched out of the restaurant ahead of me to the car park. An awkward ride home resulted in a heated emotional conversation outside my Aunt's house. I wasn't getting anything so I slammed the car door without a proper goodbye and went inside.
The next day my eyes were swollen from crying. I looked like a crack whore on crystal meth. I went and saw my nan and told her of my woe's..."Well darling that really is a pity; what you need is an older man.'
Bank Holiday Monday was spent in my Aunt's attic pulling down boxes from University and condensing my life as it were. I looked over my College and University certificates and re-lived my academic achievements over the years spent in the UK. I have only been graduated four years but it feels like a lifetime ago already.
I got a text from the x in the afternoon offering to drive me back to London to clear the air later that day. I took him up on the offer as I too didn't want to leave it on a bad note. He apologized as I got in the car and explained he was a 'dickhead' and had spoken to his friends on the matter who also agreed that he handled the situation badly. I had to give the guy credit for making the effort (despite how hard he finds it to communicate his feelings.) He was also hanging in rags as he went out the night before on a massive bender because his Sunday Football League won their championship play off; to get an apology on his 'come down' was impressive.
The ride back was like old times and when it came to say goodbye I made him get out of the car to huge me goodbye. I must have held on too long because he let go first...
We have known each other for almost ten years. I first saw him in Southend High Street in his ghastly Moschino peace sign jeans complimented with a yellow puffer jacket when he was 16/17 years old. I kissed him in several cheesy nightclubs in Southend throughout our younger years and road along with his love affair for Michael Jackson. We had various on/off romances and after a two year break in our 'friendship' he got in touch in January 2009. We were together from that point onwards as a couple but it drew to a close in July.
Other highlights of late include:
- A unexpected final pay cheque from my job that included £1000 of unpaid holiday I hadn't taken. Made the mistake of telling my Dad about it... 'Now you are going to go to Lloyd's and you will pay that loan down with that grand. You will thank me later. Do the responsible thing here Rox.' So I have.
- My Aunt called from the U.S. and decided to tell me a story about how my Mom slept with a famous soul singer when she was in her 20's. I was in complete shock and am looking forward to hearing more where that came from when I am back!
- I sold £400 worth of shit on Ebay - more padding in the bank account for the States!
- I saw Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens - amazing. Tinker Bell and Peter Pan got all the little children in the audience to whisper 'I believe in fairies' over and over. My inner child ached and I was chocked back with tears as they flew suspended in the air to bring Tinker Bell back to life with those 'magical' words.
- My aunt in the U.S. has found out that I am coming back to the States when I wanted it to be a bloody surprise. She has a big mouth, partially due to the drink, and I am just praying she wont tell my Mom. I really wanted to surprise the American family - it also gives me something to look forward to as I am feeling so anxious.
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