Road Trip! I Love San Francisco!

I was invited to take a road trip to San Francisco to see the Giants Baseball game with some friends on Sunday. It was a 4 hour drive - but worth it! Once we arrived I was elated to see the big city and urban life of San Fran. Blue sky and bright sunshine made the day a perfect day out. The Giants stadium sits right on the marina next to the ocean which made for photogenic snaps.
I made the mistake of liking the rival t shirt and logo better than the Giants merchandise. I wanted to buy the t shirt above but it was over priced. After all, I was with Giants fans in the hometown of the team. Behind my back the girls bought me the Chicago Cubs shirt I had my eye on. The condition was that I had to wear it then and there amongst the thousands of Giants fans. I was lucky I didn't get much shit from other fans, only odd looks.
I went the baseball game with two couples from Mt Shasta, both of whom are approaching being together for two years. One couple is still loved up and all over each other as if they just met. The other couple bickered and a distant tension was felt throughout the afternoon. It was interesting being the single person amongst the two couples experiencing opposite emotions. It reminded me of the hard work it can take to be in a relationship whilst how fantastic it can be to be in love and physically inseparable.

A stranger in my own country

Marijuana is semi-legal in California. You can grow up to 25 plants and more if you are growing them for people with a medical condition with a valid prescription for it.

It was Homecoming yesterday for Mt Shasta High School and the parade came through town to showcase the footballers before they played their 'arch rival' team later that night. It has been almost 10 years since I graduated high school. As I watched this parade I felt old and I laughed at how cheesy high school can be. This was a very American moment for me that reminded me of my youth.
Last night I went to Roxy's Vet's Club to hang out with friends, make new friends and to have some fun. I ended up watching everyone else have party as it was a dramatic change socially for me. As the rap music blared and rounds of shoots were ordered I felt like the odd one out. This bar is a far cry from an average pub back in London. However, everyone is very friendly, extremely generous and not afraid to be outgoing or to dance. Above is one round bought by a friend - 10 double shots of Hennessy.

I am off to San Francisco tomorrow to watch the San Francisco Giants baseball team play The Cubs - I cant wait to see the big city and be in that great American sports atmosphere.

Music I am currently listening to: Nirvana is playing on the juke box at the bar.

First day of Homesickness

My Aunt took a turn for the worse (mentally) yesterday and I was woken up by her trying to come into the guest house twice in the middle of the night to wake me up. I am unsure what set her off as she has been sober and on really good form since I got here. Whatever her issue was it made me get a terrible nights sleep and wake up tearful and missing friends and family back in the UK. I feel home sick for the first time since my arrival and it hasn't even been two weeks!

Later today I was looking forward to getting out the house and away from the drama to hike into the mountains with my best friend to Crystal Lake (around 8000 ft elevation.) Stunning views and great to get some exercise - mentally and physically. We took her dog who is 11 years old. She was so excited to swim in the lake and play catch all afternoon while we ate our packed lunches and put the world to right.

One week (to the day) in the USA

My new home...for now... the guest house at my Aunts house.

The local bar that has been in Mt Shasta for years - now called Roxy's Vet's Club. My best childhood friend is the head bar maid there.

Some guys belt buckle. I thought it was very 'red neck' but apparently that star and the guns mean quite the opposite.

The medicine isle at the supermarket. UNBELIEVABLE. Americans have so many ailments! I guess you have to have all this choice as no one can afford U.S. health care.

Highlights to note:

• All American news channels instill fear and anxiety in viewers. Its so dramatic and doom ridden its unbearable to watch. There are at least 10 news channels all talking about the same thing - Obama and the American Health plan - will ever happen?! It has to.
• Local Mt Shasta news paper headlines reads: "Pot Hauled off Rainbow Ridge" - Sheriff's transfer (via helicopter) 39,115 Marijuana plants out of the country side worth 1.25 million dollars. I feel so bad for the guys that spent all that time growing those plants only to be burned or sold over the boarder to Mexico (and back to the Americans again!)
• The cost of groceries here is shocking. I thought London/England was expensive. $20 dollars will get you 3-4 things if you are lucky. I can appreciate the town I am currently residing in is expensive; but shit! Its cheaper to eat out!
• Everyone is too nice - I am not used to it. Everywhere I go I get told I am pretty, smiled at, checked out, talked to etc - it can be overwhelming at times. I can't even walk into the local bar without having to tell my tale about moving over here from London repeatably. The stereotype about over-the-top American customer service is true.

Music I am currently listening to: 'Cathart' by ISAN

Mt Shasta - 'God's Country'

I have arrived in Mt Shasta, the town I grew up in until I was 8 years old on Friday. The beauty of this area of Northern California still blows my mind and can be quoted as 'God's Country.' However it doesn't take long before my family and all their drama start to take the edge off for me.

My brother was very surprised to see me ("What the fuck!") and even though the secret was blown for my Mom she was still happy to see me and gave me a big hug. Her first words were,"Well if you are home for three months when are you going to come to Oregon and see me?!" (The answer is never or hardly at all, but I had to appease her with by being flexible.)
Saturday was my step sisters wedding at the Mt Shasta Resort. My brother was one of the best men and my step Dad naturally walked her down the isle. It was a beautiful afternoon with the Mt Shasta mountain as the back drop complimented with bright blue sky. The weather here is unreal at the moment. It's a combination of being at almost 5,000 ft in elevation, little pollution and the bright sunshine.

Yesterday a touching moment occurred at the wedding between my brother and I. He explained he loves me more than his own life. He clearly had to much to drink but still warned me that he will 'kill any motherfucker that ever hurts me' past or present. His behavior over the two days he was in California was pretty bad. He drank too much and got in trouble with a couple guests at the wedding and at the local bar in mt Shasta. He is currently on probation and has several legal restrictions for him to enjoy himself that way. I think being out of state and a part of the wedding gave him an urge to enjoy himself...even if it was too much. I am thankful he is back in Oregon under the supervision of his parents and parole officer now.

Currently I am nerding out on my computer via WiFi in the local bar that has been here for years now called, 'Roxy's Vets Club.' I have hooked up with my best childhood friend who is the head bar tender here and everyone is yelling at the TVs because there are two US football games currently on: San Diego Chargers v Baltimore Ravens and the San Fransisco 49ers v Seattle Seahawks. I am so out of touch with US sports. I am having a hard time getting into it.

First days in California

First location of my stay... Dream Street.
Aunt's House

My Aunt the dental hygienist (those are my teeth on that computer)

It's no surprise that I arrived and everyone knows I am here. What was once a secret only known by two people (my aunt above and my step Dad,) is now known throughout the family thanks to my crazy Auntie who told my Mom last night. We made it to the day before I was due to surprise my Mom and my Aunt told her yesterday! I was gutted; I really wanted to see the look on my Mom's face when she saw me back in the country.

This week I have been coping with jet lag and enjoying the hot weather in Redding California. It's been about 90F everyday with not a cloud to be seen in the sky. My lovey Aunt (above) who I have been staying with cleaned my teeth yesterday... the NHS isn't really known for their dental care; so my clean took an hour an a half to get to American standards! I have loved staying with my Aunt - the eldest in my Mom's family. She is an incredibly loving and compassionate lady who has been very supportive about my trip and plans for the future. We are planning a girls road trip to San Fransisco in October!

Today my step Dad will pick me up with my brother (who is the only person who doesn't know I am here!) We will drive one hour North to Mt. Shasta for the rehearsal of my step sister's wedding, there I will see my Mom for the first time in a year. I am nervous as my relationship with my Mom is volatile; however I am looking forward to big Mexican family celebration to bring us all together.

D - Day. I am off!

My family.

Just about to unplug my computer and head for the airport. I am scared my bags are overweight and I am going to get charged excess baggage. I only have an hour and half at LAX to get my bags and make my connecting flight... so I am slightly nervous about the next 14 hours. 11.5 to LA and 2hrs to Redding, California where my Aunt Cathy will collect me at 10pm. I will be well and truly ready to fall into bed by that point!

Last night I had a lovely pub meal with my family. By 9:30pm I was falling asleep at the table. Everyone was on good form and it was nice to have one last chilled meal together.

I am feeling tired, quiet and a tad anxious. If I make the connecting flight and don't get charged for excess baggage at either end I will be so happy!!

Dinner at The Diner

Last night was a meal at The Diner with close University friends for a farewell dinner. It was amazing to see my friends in one room as came from Stockholm. They are all doing very well for themselves in their careers and I am proud to have such creative people in my life that I am still in touch with. 1 x interior architect, 2 x fashion designers, 1 x interior designer and 1 x assistant fashion designer - they are UBER!

The evening comprised of American style food and lots of laughter at my expense. One joke had me in such hysterics I fell of my seat! (I was told I look like Jim Carry in Dumb and Dumber with my laugh and dodgy centre parting that my fringe was doing that day) Lots of cringe worthy tales were shared around the table about my antics at Uni affectionately called 'Best Roxy Memory.' Some that are too horrific to share on this blog. I was given very thoughtful cards with equally thoughtful words inside which was very touching.

A low point today was on the 327 bus to Fulham where I watched an elderly lady get knocked off her bike by a car. Everyone stopped to help her as she laid helplessly on the ground in the road. Everyone on the bus however ran to the windows in interest asking one another 'did you see what happened?!' The bus driver stopped and ensured 999 was called; as he pulled away this poor woman was trying to lift her head off the pavement as blood dripped from her head. This is why I never wanted or tried cycling in central London. I also feel that London is an unforgiving city for the elderly.

Off now for my last evening in London with my family at The Windsor Castle pub in Notting Hill- feeling tired and emotional.

Music I am currently listening to: the silence of my empty flat!

London is UBER

Last night I went to the BFI with my cousin and a dear friend of mine to see the One.Zero exhibition with live VJs playing music along with the animations. These are the kind of events that make London so unique and creative. There was a real buzz about the night and it was crawling with all sorts of creative types or as I affectionately call them.... Ubers!

The highlight of the night was watching the performance of Zan Lyons. He was an incredible DJ who also played the electric violin whilst DJing and controlling the imagery projected behind him. It was very impressive and the impact of the sound and bass was heart stopping.

My cousins best friend, (who recently returned from LA completing her placement year at UCLA,) asked me last night how my 'grind' was. Confused, she explained that I better be ready for how everyone in California 'grinds' when they dance. If you don't grind you will be 'grinded on'. As if.... no grinding - that is not my style. (I might be a little scared)

My last Saturday night out in London was great fun and a bold reminder of how much I will miss the creative culture of London.

Today I am feeling tired as all the goodbyes, dinners, drinks, cleaning, and packing are taking their toll. I have a feeling when I arrive in the U.S. I am going to crash and burn. It has to catch up with me at some point.

I just finished deep cleaning my kitchen. I would like to take this opportunity to say how amazing Mr. Muscle oven cleaner is. I might have poisoned myself with the fumes, but 25 minutes later all the grease and shit caked in my oven came right off! I dare think whats in those products to make cleaning so easy.

Off now for dinner with my close University friends in Soho... it never stops! But I am looking forward to seeing them all in one place for a dirty meal of American Food in honor of my final destination.

Music I am currently listening to: The Radio via iTunes - KCRW Eclectic 24 (great station)

Let the Goodbyes Commence!

I have amazing friends - fact.

These are the very people that will make it extremely hard to adapt back in America without them in my life on a regular basis. People say 'your friends are your friends no matter where you are in the world' - I suppose, however it wont make it any easier to leave them behind. These are the very people who have filled my life with endless laughter and memories. I am so fortunate to have made various groups of friends for every era of my life in England - they are fantastic people from all walks of life.

Tuesday was host to the 'Soho Crew' - my dearest friends from my time spent in media. They threw me a surprise meal outside in the terraced garden at Aurora in Soho. They clubbed together and bought me a stunning silver necklace from Van Den Burg with two charms; the letter 'R' and a cowboy boot (very symbolic.) One of the girls made a fantastic black and white collage of the 'best of' photos over the last couple years which was extremely thoughtful and quite emotional to receive.

We ate steaks, drank Prosecco, and were 'merry'... lots of drunken photos were taken throughout the course of the evening and the shots steadily got worse by our final destination - The Blues Bar.

I love those guys so much and I will miss their banter and crazy antics.

Countdown: One week till lift off

I have been battling what I think is Swine Flu since Friday... really good timing. I feel like shit.

Saturday was the big move and proved to be a nightmare as all van rental companies in London shut at 12 noon on Saturdays. There was no way I could shift my things to Ramsgate, Kent and back in that short space of time without being charged for a two day rental and returning the van on a Monday. The God's spoke in my hour of need and I was recommended a 'Man with a Van' who turned out to be money well spent. For £95 this lovely Lithuanian man would shift my things, drive it 2.5 hours to Kent, unload the other end and I didn't even have to go with him. This would leave me to die in peace with the flu back in London.

So I booked his time and at 4:45pm he showed up and by 5:15pm he was off with all my things and £100 cash. I was slightly concerned I might have just given this guy all my worldly belongings and money to enjoy all things back in Lithuania with his family; but he turned out to be a diamond. All my things reached my friends farm safely and was stored away for the months to come. A massive thanks to the 'C' family for all their help and support.



My Mom called me last night. 'You will have to excuse me, I am a little out of it as I threw my back out and had to take a pain pill.' Which translates to: I took the pain pill and I washed it down with beer and I am drunk. I am not a fucking moron, and I am still unsure why my Mom still tries to cover up her drinking with me. Infuriating.

I manged to get her off the phone. But then she called back with 'exciting news' that she found the original shutters for the house in the attic and kept comparing them to 'David' Lloyd Wright in style. I was unsure how 1904 Victorian shutters compared with the designs of FRANK Lloyd Wright, but I was too tired to argue so just corrected her on his name and pushed the conversation on.

My Mom, still unaware I am coming home, decided to have her twice yearly rant about how I should move back to the States. By the end of the call I was laying in the fetal position nauseous. 'Its time for you to come home Rox. Enough is enough. Its been almost a decade and I am sick of this, you need to come home where you belong. You're not London. Everything in your life there is temporary. That is why I never ask who you are dating or what you have been up to, because its all temporary and it's not you. You are never going to get married and have a baby if you stay there. No one wants to be with you in England; they only see you as an 'American token' girlfriend. You need to come home and get back to the roots of Roxy where you belong. Enough is enough, come home!'

What she doesn't realize is that I am sitting in an empty flat on my new bed, the couch, with my mattress in storage ready to fly to the U.S. next Tuesday. However, after these types of conversations I get the fear massively and wonder why I am returning to close proximity to these nonsupportive nutters. The thing I have to remember is this journey is not about them, its about me and not to buy into all their drama.

I went to bed that night and dreamt that I was about to have sex with my x boyfriend, but he asked if I would do MDMA with him first. He went away and came back with a huge sack of drugs and spilled this brownish powder all over me. It never happened though... he was too high to concentrate...(typical I don't even get action in my sleep!)

I woke up after a terrible nights sleep to my uncle in London calling with encouraging words for my journey: Rox, if there is one bit of advice I can offer you without sounding too philosophical, is to take responsibility for your own life. If its one thing I have learned from from all the good and bad shit throughout my life is this. I didn't play for England because I didn't have the technical skill to; I didn't play because I didn't have the confidence to and I didn't take responsibility for my own shit. I can't blame my Mum or that horrible bastard at Leicester City, I should have taken responsibility for my own life and confidence back then. You have so many fantastic qualities Rox, go and fall in love with Roxy! Kick ass babe.'

Music I am listening to: Oasis 'Cigarettes and Alcohol'

Countdown: Two weeks till take off

I had a rather interesting weekend full of highs and lows.
I decided to go back to Southend, once my home for my first two years in England. I wanted to say goodbye to close girlfriends from my old art college and my x boyfriend who is also from Southend.

Saturday was a lovely afternoon spent with the girls down in Old Leigh at The Peter Boat. It was a sunny day full of laughs and plenty of posing for the cameras. My nerves began to get to me around 5pm when the dinner date I had planned with my x was looming. I knew it was too soon to meet up with him, but he is someone that has been in my life since I was 18 so I wanted to share my news of the impending departure and to say goodbye.

We met at 8pm at Clarence Yard, my favorite bar in Southend. I beamed with a smile when I saw him - he was looking very 'easy on the eye.' Drinks went fine until we moved to The Muse for dinner. I am unsure if it was the famous West Ham player that was sitting behind us that deterred his attention or the tension of sitting across from his x over a candle lit meal but things went south by the main course.

A combination of not being prepared for my true feelings I had for this guy, saying goodbye, being back in Southend and possibly the vodka tonics I had been drinking in the afternoon opened the flood gates and my endless dialogue about how I found certain aspects of the break up difficult. For example, the pictures of him cavorting with girls at V Festival that I was notified about on Facebook through 'mutual friends.' (I loath that site)

I soon made him uncomfortable and it was long before he was texting for help and excusing himself from the table (phone in hand) to 'go to the loo.' When he came back I pulled myself together and said:
'Let's pay and go down stairs for a drink. I don't want to leave it like this.'
'No Rox, I am driving.'
'Well you don't have to drink...'
'I said I would be a G's - we are going to watch Match of the Day. I am late as it is.'

Yep, that's right, my evening was cut short for football. The bill was paid and he marched out of the restaurant ahead of me to the car park. An awkward ride home resulted in a heated emotional conversation outside my Aunt's house. I wasn't getting anything so I slammed the car door without a proper goodbye and went inside.

The next day my eyes were swollen from crying. I looked like a crack whore on crystal meth. I went and saw my nan and told her of my woe's..."Well darling that really is a pity; what you need is an older man.'

Bank Holiday Monday was spent in my Aunt's attic pulling down boxes from University and condensing my life as it were. I looked over my College and University certificates and re-lived my academic achievements over the years spent in the UK. I have only been graduated four years but it feels like a lifetime ago already.

I got a text from the x in the afternoon offering to drive me back to London to clear the air later that day. I took him up on the offer as I too didn't want to leave it on a bad note. He apologized as I got in the car and explained he was a 'dickhead' and had spoken to his friends on the matter who also agreed that he handled the situation badly. I had to give the guy credit for making the effort (despite how hard he finds it to communicate his feelings.) He was also hanging in rags as he went out the night before on a massive bender because his Sunday Football League won their championship play off; to get an apology on his 'come down' was impressive.

The ride back was like old times and when it came to say goodbye I made him get out of the car to huge me goodbye. I must have held on too long because he let go first...

We have known each other for almost ten years. I first saw him in Southend High Street in his ghastly Moschino peace sign jeans complimented with a yellow puffer jacket when he was 16/17 years old. I kissed him in several cheesy nightclubs in Southend throughout our younger years and road along with his love affair for Michael Jackson. We had various on/off romances and after a two year break in our 'friendship' he got in touch in January 2009. We were together from that point onwards as a couple but it drew to a close in July.

Other highlights of late include:

• A unexpected final pay cheque from my job that included £1000 of unpaid holiday I hadn't taken. Made the mistake of telling my Dad about it... 'Now you are going to go to Lloyd's and you will pay that loan down with that grand. You will thank me later. Do the responsible thing here Rox.' So I have.
• My Aunt called from the U.S. and decided to tell me a story about how my Mom slept with a famous soul singer when she was in her 20's. I was in complete shock and am looking forward to hearing more where that came from when I am back!
  
• I sold £400 worth of shit on Ebay - more padding in the bank account for the States!
• I saw Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens - amazing. Tinker Bell and Peter Pan got all the little children in the audience to whisper 'I believe in fairies' over and over. My inner child ached and I was chocked back with tears as they flew suspended in the air to bring Tinker Bell back to life with those 'magical' words.

Dodgy news included:

• My aunt in the U.S. has found out that I am coming back to the States when I wanted it to be a bloody surprise. She has a big mouth, partially due to the drink, and I am just praying she wont tell my Mom. I really wanted to surprise the American family - it also gives me something to look forward to as I am feeling so anxious.

Music I am currently listening to: Kasabian 'Where Did all the Love Go'